the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Found your dick twin last night
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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