I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
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