i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
