Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
