i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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