new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
