goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
