He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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