i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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