my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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