I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
