We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We were destined to go to rehab together
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
