If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
