you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
