Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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