Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
