So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
