where am i from again
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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