Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Randomize
