Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize