just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
