i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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