What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
