I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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