Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
