I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
