my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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