I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
