Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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