I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
