You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
