Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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