one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
