I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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