I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
my god I love twenty year old dicks
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
