Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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