literally had 100 drinks last night.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
