How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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