I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
