I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
