why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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