I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
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