Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
there is glitter all over my balls
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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