I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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