I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
