i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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