I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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