I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
