I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
