I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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