We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
