the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
