Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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