I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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