Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
